The Buffy Horror Picture Show
by Shell in her shell
Summary: The characters of Buffy in a parody of the Rocky Horror Picture Show
1. Introduction

Introduction:

A solid black screen. A pair of voluptuous blood red lips appear on the screen, and the camera slowly moves in for a close up. As the mouth opens, we note that she has a prominent pair of fangs, stained with a tiny bit of fresh blood, which matches her lipstick.

She begins to sing:

Joss Whedon was mad

Cause the movie was bad,

and the critics were unkind.

So he moved to TV,

Where we all could see,

The brilliance inside his mind.

Then he put Marti to work-

Although some think shes a jerk-

And they brought us the Buffyverse.

And at a deadly speed

Long before Wildfeed

We were put under the Buffy curse:

Chorus: 

Science fiction, Buffy feature

Maggie Walsh will build a creature.

See robots fighting, in place of Buffy,

And a librarian, who's rather stuffy.

Wuh uh uh oh o-o-oh

At the late night, Buffy feature, picture show.

We saw Tara and Willow

Sharing a pillow

When Oz the Werewolf took a hike.

And we really got hot

When we thought the Buffybot

Was real and was sleeping with Spike.

Dawn made out with a vamp

But she's not a tramp

She was doing it for the thrills.

And Anya got snide,

When Xander said to his bride,

"Now its my turn to head for the hills,"

In a...

Chorus:

Science fiction, Buffy feature

A praying mantis was Xander's teacher.

See Dawn whining at her sister

'Cause if she vanished, no one would miss her.

Wuh uh uh oh o-o-oh

At the late night, Buffy feature, picture show.

I wanna go

Wuh oh o-o-oh

To the late night, Buffy feature, we will see-

By ME,

We-eee-e-e-ee

To the late night, Buffy feature, it will be

On TV,

Oh oh o-o-oh

To the late night, Buffy feature, picture show!


	2. Xander and Anya are Engaged

Setting: The end of season 5. Xander and Anya exit the local church, where they have just attended Tito's wedding. Two shadowy figures stand in the background.

[Set to the tune of "Dammit, Janet!"]

Xander:

Hey, Anya?

Anya:

Yes Xander?

Xander:

I've got something to say.

Anya:

Uh, huh?

Xander:

I really love the...skillful way 

You count all the money

At the end of the day.

Anya:

Oh Xander.

Xander:

The world is so big, but I found ya

And I'll plan my life right around ya

If you stay by my side, I'll astound ya

And I promise that I will help ground ya, Anya cause I love you.

I know theres a demon inside you

But I'll be safe if I don't fight you

And I'll never let a vamp bite you

If you wanna get laid, I won't fight you, at night you'll love me too.

[They move to the interior of the church. The shadowy figures are wheeling out a coffin, for a funeral.]

I want one shot for us to be bedded,

Before we die in an Apocolypse.

And if we should live to be wedded,

Oh, A-N-Y-A I'll kiss your sweet lips.

[They kiss. The coffin opens, revealing a newly sired vampire. The two shadowy figures await with stakes and immediately dust him. We catch a glimpse of their faces –its Clem and Sophie. Xander and Anya stop kissing, completely oblivious of the action.]

Anya:

Those years of Vengancing can't rate

Cordy never got something so great. 

We'll start planning now before its too late. 

I've one thing to say: As a mate, you'll rate, I love you too.

[They wander back outside and down the street. There is a lot of demonic action going on- maulings, killings, things on fire. They remain oblivious, looking only into each other's eyes.]

Xander:

Oh, Anya

Anya:

I'm mad...

Xander:

(speaks) What did I do?

Anya:

For you.

Xander:

(sighs with relief) I love you too-o-oo-ooo.

Xander & Anya:

There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.

Xander:

We cannot yet share our smiles. 

We must look through the books and the files

To help Buffy through all of her trials.

Because she, Willow, and Giles need us too.

Xander:

Dammit, Anya. Give me my chips back

Anya:

Oh Xander, you're gonna get fat

Xander:

Dammit, Anya

Xander & Anya:

I ... love ... you.


	3. The Scoobies perform a Resurrection

[Setting: the start of Season 6. Willow, Tara, Xander and Anya are walking through the cemetery toward Buffy's grave. It is about midnight, and it is raining. Anya carries the obligatory newspaper over her head, while the others carry a variety of magic supplies. They reach the grave and kneel in a circle around it. Willow begins the spell. ]

Willow

In the velvet darkness,

In the blackest mist,

O Osiris,

Listen to my spell.

Return our friend to us from hell.

[They join hands]

Willow:

Come to Life...

Tara, Xander, and Anya (in a glorious, angelic harmony):

Return to us and rewrite your fate.

Willow:

Come to Life...

Tara, Xander, and Anya:

We pray that we are not too late.

Willow: 

Come to Life, ... life ... 

[Willow becomes possessed, a demon crawling under her skin. The others look in horror.]

Tara, Xander, and Anya:

For the pain and loss cuts through our hearts like a knife.

[Cut to the living room of the Summers house, where Dawn has fallen asleep on Spike's shoulder.]

Spike (whispered): 

Each night she appears, then I realize I am dreaming.

If she won't return, let the sun and light come streaming.

Come back to life. Come back to life...

[Cut back to the cemetery, where Willow is struggling with the demon inside her.]

Willow:

Come to Life...

All: 

We'll remove you from the depths of Hell.

Willow:

Come to Life...

All: 

We do not know where your soul fell.

Willow:

Come to Life, ... li- 

[Willow begins to collapse under the pain.]

Tara, Xander, and Anya:

For the pain and loss cuts through our hearts like a knife.

[The final words of the song are drowned out by a gang of motorcycles. The spell is broken, and the Scoobies scatter into the woods.]


	4. Willow hits the Magic Bong

Setting: The Bronze. Willow and Amy are out for a magical night on the town. They stand on the catwalk, and look down at the crowd. They cast spells recklessly, and we see their effects on the people below- everything from guys in cages to floating dancers, not to mention a chorus line of friendly , but ugly, demons onstage, all with the fanfare of Vegas showgirls.

(To the tune of "The Time Warp")

Willow:

It's astounding;

I grow sleepy;

Magic takes its toll.

But watch me closely...

Amy:

You can go for much longer.

Willow::

I am still in control

I remember floating pencils

Dreaming of moments when

The power would hit me

Willow and Amy:

And the forces would call me...

Everyone on the dancefloor below [flourishing their arms, with laserbeams coming from their fingers]:

Time to hit the Magic Bong.

Time to hit the Magic Bong.

[Cut to Dawn, sitting on her bed and trying to get a pencil to float. She is surrounded by stolen goods.]

Dawn:

It just jumped to the left!!!!

[Looks forlorn when she realizes that the pencil did not actually move.]

[Cut back to the Bronze.]

All:

What a magical night!

[Cut back to Dawn, looking perplexed.]

Dawn:

How does Willow do this? 

[Cut to the Bronze]

All:

You know it feels so right!

Cause it's that magic rush 

That really drives you insane.

Time to hit the Magic Bong.

Time to hit the Magic Bong.

[Rack appears on the catwalk, and gives Amy her fix.]

Amy:

It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.

[She disappears.]

So you can't see me, no, not at all. 

In a magic dimension, with unexpected intentions,

[She reappears, floating over the crowd.]

Full of power, I can't fall.

Rack [turning toward Willow]:

I will take you on a trip

Amy:

With a bit of a mind flip.

Rack:

And nothing can ever be the same.

Amy:

You're spaced out on sensation.

Rack:

Like you're under sedation.

All:

Time to hit the Magic Bong.

Time to hit the Magic Bong.

Willow: 

Well I was walking down the street, just lost in my stride 

When a door appeared and I walked inside

Rack shook-a me up, he took me by surprise.

And I looked deep into his devil eyes.

He stared at me and I felt a change.

Time meant nothing, never would again.

All:

Time to hit the Magic Bong.

Time to hit the Magic Bong.

[Cut to Dawn, who is yelling at the pencil.]

Dawn:

Why can't you jump to the left? 

[Cut back to the Bronze.]

All:

What a magical night!

[Back to Dawn's room, where the pencil is just starting to rise.]

Dawn:

Hey, I am starting to get it! 

[Cut to the Bronze]

All:

You know it feels so right!

Cause it's that magic rush 

That really drives you insane.

Time to hit the Magic Bong.

Time to hit the Magic Bong.

[The whole crew at the Bronze goes out with fireworks, flashing lights, the works. Cut to Dawn's room for the last note- Buffy opens the door- the music stops, the pencil drops.]

Dawn:

Get Out! Get Out! Get Out! GET OUT!!!!!!


	5. Anya and Spike seek Revenge

Scene: The Magic Box. Spike and Anya are drinking and sharing their woes. Anya tells her story, and Spike looks on supportively.

Anya:

I was feeling done in, ... couldn't win

I've never felt such pain before.

There was no reason to stay

Human for one more day.

So I returned to vengance

To make him pay.

Now all I need to do is see this through.

I've tasted Jack and I want more. 

(leans toward Spike to grab the bottle from him. They stay close, and Anya looks at him with desperation.)

Now is my chance, I'll take it, I know that you won't fake it.

I've need a wish to grant. You've got to make it.

(They are still standing very close, and sexual tension fills the air. Spankya appears with a great deal of lust and pain.)

Toucha toucha toucha touch me

I want to feel happy

Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me

Creature of the night.

(They are now lying on the meeting table. Anya pushes Spike away for a moment, with some guilt. And of course, she is down to her bra and slip, Janet Weiss style.)

Now this feeling's so strong, I know its wrong,

But we are singing the same song. 

This is a bad reaction, it is a wrong attraction

But I am filled with hurt, and vengeful action.

(She notices how nice Spike is being, and how sexy his abs are. They get back to work.)

Toucha toucha toucha touch me

I want to feel happy

Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me

Creature of the night.

Spike (in the throes of drunken passion):

Creature of the night

(Cut to clips of the Scoobies and the Troika watching on the video feeds.)

Jonathan (curious):

Creature of the night?

Willow (shocked):

Creature of the night!

Andrew (lustful):

Creature of the night!

Dawn (inquisitive):

Creature of the night.

Warren (cheerful):

Creature of the night!

Xander (hostile):

Creature of the night.

Buffy (confused and jealous):

Creature of the night.

(Dawn and Willow look at Buffy in shock on the last note.)


	6. Spike Discusses his Problem

Scene: Spike's crypt, night. Spike and Clem are watching Knightrider and discussing the Buffy problem. Clem is having trouble understanding. Spike jumps up, and immediately affects a spot-on Billy Idol imitation (S2, anybody?). This segment is shot as a concert video.

(To the tune of "The Sword of Damocles")

Spike:

The Initiative chip is embedded into my brain

And I've got the feeling it's gonna drive me insane!

Oh, woe is me

The afterlife is a misery

Oh, can't you see

That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer

Today I dreamed that Buffy was here in my bed

Harmony and Drusilla (the doo-wop girls, popping up from behind the coffin):

Are you insane?

Spike (looks suprised and annoyed at the appearance of his exes):

And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread 

Harm & Dru (pointing at Spike and laughing):

That vamp is lame!

Spike (jumps onto coffin, channels Elvis):

I am so lame

I killed two slayers, but now I'm tame

And if I stay the same

Then I'm at the start of a pretty big downer

Clem (looking on, concerned):

Oh, Spike! 

Harm & Dru: 

Sha la la la

He lost his balls...

Spike:

Oh no no no 

Harm & Dru:

Sha la la la

'Cause the Slayer calls!

Spike:

Oh no no no 

Clem:

Oh, I like that Slayer, and her sis...

Harm & Dru (cutting off Clem and pushing him out of the shot):

Sha la la la

Now he's a bore

He is a bore!

Spike:

The Initiative chip makes me feel like I've got a hole

Clem:

Oh, really?

Harm & Dru (pushing Clem and each other):

You poor baby!

Spike (camera zooms in for the Billy Idol Eybrow Arch):

And I've got the feeling that its gotta be filled with a soul!

Harm & Dru (getting violent with each other):

Or a stake, maybe?

Spike:

Oh, woe is me

Africa is a mystery

And can't you see

That I'm at the start of a pretty big journey

(he heads for the door)

Clem:

Can I crypt-sit? 

Harmony (pushes Dru and Clem out of the way):

Spikie, you can kiss my butt!

If you're with that Slayer slut!

Dru (pushes Harmony clear across the crypt):

You were the King of Cups.

Do you want to be Angel much?

Spike (gives the DtSC a fond farewell pet as he exits):

Oh no no no 

Harm & Dru (about to start an all-out catfight):

Sha la la la

You are so whipped!

Spuffy is the ship!

Sha la la la

(The music stops abruptly. The girls quickly look around for Spike as we hear the sound of his motorbike roaring away. They push Clem back into the chair, snatch his bag of Doritos, and storm out, slamming the poor DtSC. Clem settles back in his chair and turns his attention back to the TV.)

Clem:

I do love that David Hasslehoff!


	7. Tara Leaves Willow

Scene: Tara, in her room at Buffy's house, just after she confronts Willow about her magic addiction. She is alone and distraught, throwing things in a suitcase haphazardly as she packs to leave her girlfriend.

Tara:

Whatever happened to those magic nights,

When we would do spells, and we'd never fight?

I haven't been the same since cosmic light

Came into my life, I thought you were divine.

You told me how you used to buy your clothes at Sears

And confided in me all your darkest fears;

But then I saw your jealousy, your hate and tears. 

Now you're a magic addict, and I miss those good times.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really loved that sweet Willow!

(repeat three more times)

(Sax solo) 

My head used to swim when I met you at school

My words kind of tumbled and I sounded a fool.

And then we got together and our love did rule

And you'd whisper in my ear that now you really were mine.

You were a geek in times long gone 

You felt you hadn't changed but I know you were wrong.

And when you hid from yourself you wanted me to play along.

So now its over, we really had a good time.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really loved that sweet Willow!

(repeat three more times)

(Sax solo)

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really loved that sweet Willow!

(repeat seven more times)


	8. Buffy Contemplates her Mistakes

Scene: Spike's crypt. Buffy is alone in Spike's bed, in a post-coital blur. She begins to sing dreamily. 

(To the tune of "Don't Dream It")

Buffy::

Whatever happened to Angel?

He was always reliable and broody.

As he left for LA

How I begged him to stay

`cause I like my vamps quiet and moody.

Now Spike is the one to bring me pleasure.

I press my body against his cold flesh.

Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure

And moments of passion to haunt me forever.

I can barely say it. Oh, oh, oh.

[As she sings, she gets out of bed and begins to dress.]

Don't lay him, slay him. (four times)

[The heads of her friends appear, floating around her. For the remainder of the song, we see Xander, Willow, Dawn, Tara, Anya, Giles, Joyce, Angel, Cordelia, Oz, and Riley, all without bodies, float about in symmetrical patterns.]

All:

Don't lay him, slay him. (four times)

All:

Don't lay him, slay him. (six times as background for below.)

Buffy:

Ach! I've got to get out of this crypt

before this vampire saps my will.

I've got to be strong, and try to hang on

Or my friends will think I've flipped.

'Cause I'm only in it for the thrills!

[Spike appears, leaning against the door. The Headless Scoobies make a rapid exit.]

Spike (moving toward her):

It's been lovely, stay with me, Buffy!

Buffy:

If I only had a man with a soul.

[She pushes past Spike and exits the cemetery.]


	9. The Troika is Apprehended

Scene: The Sunnydale Jail. Jonathan hangs on the bars of the cell, and Andrew is visible over his shoulder, sitting on the bed. They both look distraught. As the music begins, a spotlight appears on Jonathan, and he tugs on the bars in time with the music.

(To the tune of "Rose Tint My World)

Jonathan:

It was great when it all began.

I was a regular Warren fan.

But it was over when he had the plan

To turn himself to an invincible man.

Now the only thing I've come to see

Is that I only want to be free.

When I am free, I'll make amends for the trouble I've caused.

(Andrew jumps off his seat and walks around the cell with a sassy, snappy attitude. The spotlight moves to him, and he gives off a cabaret flair.)

Andrew:

I'm the sidekick of a brilliant guy,

We have jet packs and we can fly.

And everybody should be told

That Warren won't be controlled.

Now the only thing that gives me hope

Is my love of a certain dope.

When I bust out, won't make amends for the trouble I've caused.

(Cut to a closup of Warren's terrified face.)

Warren:

That's enough Eee! help me Buffy!

I'll be good; you'll see.

Take this witch away.

(The camera pulls back, just as he is skinned alive. He finishes his verse anyway, tied to the trees.)

Warren:

"Help me!" I shout,

"I'm inside out!"

What's she done to me?

Whoa! Here she comes again!

(Warren slumps over and dies. Willow stands beside him, and sings to his skinned corpse. She is lit in a very forboding manner. She repeatedly cackles as she sings, and pokes and pushes the body around.)

Willow:

I feel released; though she's deceased.

My power has increased; my revenge is here.

The leader's wrath is ended

Two more to be expended.

Soon the pain will be mended!

So I can see their fear.

(She vanishes in a cloud of smoke and lightning.)


End file.
